fall's a coming

No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistake. You are going to hurt people. You are going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover, theres really only one thing you can say...let it go.
Imagin this... a sad picture if you look at it in a certain way. A winter walkway, cold and lonely. That is where i feel like my life has been lately cold and lonely. i have been working hard and thinking, causing for many late nights by myself with my mind. Driving home later than normal up later than normal ALOT more time by myself. i have been deep in thought (and yes sometimes converstaion) with God and sometimes with myself. Scary place to be sometimes. My dark and twisty mind. i am starting to think something is seriously seriously wrong. I have a bitter sweet relationship with fall. i love the colors but then i stop and think, OH MAN winter is comming no sunshine, no nothing but dull grey clouds. Then comes the past hurts the ugly things i try desperately to forget. The things that make me close off from the rest of the world and turn from the people i love. The difference, this year i am not able to hide under my covers and i am having to face everyone and everything. No it has not been easy as a matter of fact it has been hard extremely hard. With Jordon growing up and not around as much it leaves me to my own self destructive mode. (NOT a good thing) It is things in that dark past that i try so hard to forgive and forget that druge back up and cause major damage to my security. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN...i KNOW i KNOW i am supposted to give it to God and not worry about the past... but you know sometimes that is kinda rough to look at all the bad things about yourself and not worry. i know i have nothing to worry about i have nothing to fear but right now i feel like i am a dark dismal walk on my own. Without someone physically beside me holding my hand. i know i can handle it and i can get through it. i always do. The problem is i dont want to do it alone. The worst problem is that those old wombs pop back up when we least expect it. i have forgiven most of the past hurts but forgetting is a totally different story. The damage has been done unfortunately sometimes it is harder to heal sometimes those hurts come back up and bite you in the butt. Right now that is where i am at. In general i am healing again i am trying to hold on to the things that i need and letting go of what God does not want for me. It is simple...Forgive and forget. That's what they say. It good advice, but its not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness old scores never settle. Old wounds never heal,they just scar over. I hope someday that God will help me with the forgiveness and that someday I'll be lucky enough to forget.